26 August 2013

Dear Kindergartener (LK)


Dear Kindergartener,
Well my sassy little one, the day has finally come. A day we’ve anticipated and feared and looked forward to and dreaded. It’s here.


As I dropped you off this morning, with tears rolling down my heart, I felt it again. The reminder, the whisper. The first lesson I ever learned as a mother. As you were kicking and fluttering in my tummy, I heard very clearly the lesson that would resonate in my heart and would be a lifelong parenting journey to fully understand:
“She’s not yours. She’s mine.”

I felt it again when I thought my heart would explode with joy when I held you for the first time and looked down at your beautiful long eyelashes.
“She’s not yours, she’s mine.”


And when you first went to Parents Day Out and I left you “all day” (9:00-2:00) and I thought about you every time I breathed, the Lord reminded me….
“She’s not yours, she’s mine.”


And when I was awake with you that first night you had a night terror and I thought my heart would literally split in two with feelings of complete helplessness, and I cried out to the Lord, His sweet, still, soft, convicting voice reminded me,
“She’s not yours. She’s mine.”


And when we first brought your brother home from the hospital and you leaned down and whispered, “Hi, brother” in his ear and planted the most tender kiss on his newborn cheeks and my heart was a puddle on the floor, that quiet whisper was there:
“She’s not yours, she’s mine.”


And that day when I woke up and the Lord burned so clearly on my heart the idea that you are to be a mighty warrior for Him. And it scared me. And I wanted to hug you tighter and protect you more. He stopped me still in my tracks with the quiet and firm directive,
“Mama. She’s not yours, she’s mine.”
You see, God gave you to me as a gift. One of my most precious gifts. He gave you to me to raise, and to point to Him, and give back to Him. And I think He gave you to me to teach me some things. To teach me to trust Him with my most precious gifts. To teach me to let go and walk by faith. To teach me to open my heart up completely to experience the FULLNESS of His heart: explosions, ripping, puddles and all.


So today, when I miss you, when I think about you sitting at your place at your table, and about you listening to the lady who will spend so much of her time teaching you so many new things….When I fear you being scared, and missing me, and what if no one wants to be your friend and you are lonely……When I get excited thinking about the friends you will make, the ways you will be a light for Jesus, how you already love your teacher, and all of the wonderful ways you are going to grow and learn and develop, I will remember my little one, that YES, you are a precious gift, but you are not mine. You belong to the gift-giver. And it may take my entire lifetime to learn, but I will let go and walk by faith.
And when that clock strikes 3:00 and you come running into my arms with strings of words telling me all about your day, my heart will explode and rip and puddle and again I will let go of you and remember that you are not mine, but His.


And on future days, when I’m tempted to hold you too tightly again, I will listen for that firm whisper. That sweet, soft voice reminding me, you’re not mine. You are HIS! And I will walk by faith and let go of you again.

You, my first born, precious gift, ARE HIS! And OH, how He takes delight in you.
Happy first day of Kindergarten, Sassy Pants! I can’t wait till 3:00!
Love,
Mama

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