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Confident in His Goodness


(This Monday, October 15th, is National Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. It's important to me to recognize this day because I want to push back against the taboo feeling of it being something we can't talk about and because I want to live out 2 Corinthians 1:4 - He comforted me in my troubles and I want to comfort others in theirs....)

It's been almost twelve years since my first miscarriage, but it is a pretty vivid memory for me. I remember traveling home from Thanksgiving, and the ER visit. I remember our friends praying over us and feeding me cookies and mashed potatoes. I remember my husband, always with me. 

The day we got home, I was curled up on the couch praying, crying, waiting. And I remember FEELING the Lord's goodness in spite of everything. I remember it so vividly because it just didn't make sense with everything else I was feeling. It was almost cruel. 

And then it snowed. And you can believe me or not, but on that day, in Lubbock, Texas, I believe God gave that snow to me. As a picture of His goodness and His ability to make all things good and right and beautiful. 

That moment, my snow moment, became such an important and necessary exercise of faith for me....did I really believe God was who He said He was, even when it really and truly didn't feel like it. Even when it didn't make sense. Even when, at the time, it hurt worse to believe it. I was asking God to miraculously stop the miscarriage and save that pregnancy. And He chose not to and He told me He was still good. 

Reconciling what I knew to be true in my head and heart to what my circumstances were screaming at me was incredibly painful and it was the first major life circumstance that I didn't have the right answer memorized for. 

But the Lord never abandons us,and He didn't abandon me then. I felt His presence so very closely and tenderly to my broken heart. So much so that that is my strongest memory from my first miscarriage, more so than the emotional or physical pain, I remember the Lord's closeness to me and I remember His goodness. 



November 28,2006

Well, I'm laying on my couch. I laying here waiting and wondering if I still have a baby or if I have already miscarried. It's such a weird feeling. I've been talking to the Lord a lot. It's amazing how durable His peace is. I'm not really scared anymore. I know God is in control. I can actually feel it. I will admit I try not to think about what is actually going on. But when I do, I think about the Lord's plan. I don't understand it, I don't agree with it, I don't like it, and I would definately do things differently. But, regardless, He is good enough to have a plan. It is not in my hands. So, I 'm just laying here waiting. 

I think the most astounding thing of all during this tragedy is the amazing depth of love that has grown in my heart. At night, Kyle and I read a Psalm, not every night but frequently. We were on Psalm 16 on Sunday night and I had Kyle read it to me in the hotel room after we got back from the ER. Verse 6 says, "The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places". I can't get that verse out of my head. I know it's because it is so true. I have the most incredible husband. I know that my love for him has grown to a new depth. On top of that, I have an incredible family (blood related and church family) who pour out their love for me in prayers and words of encouragement.

Whenever I would break up with a boy my mom would always tell me that the pain I felt just made more room in my heart to love even deeper. I think the same concept applies. I'm so excited about being a mom and I know that when we are blessed with a baby that my love will be even deeper.

Psalm 16
A miktam of David. [a]
1 Keep me safe, O God, 
for in you I take refuge. 
2 I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord; 
apart from you I have no good thing." 

3 As for the saints who are in the land, 
they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight. [b] 

4 The sorrows of those will increase 
who run after other gods. 
I will not pour out their libations of blood 
or take up their names on my lips. 

5 LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; 
you have made my lot secure. 

6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; 
surely I have a delightful inheritance. 

7 I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; 
even at night my heart instructs me. 

8 I have set the LORD always before me. 
Because he is at my right hand, 
I will not be shaken. 

9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; 
my body also will rest secure, 

10 because you will not abandon me to the grave, [c] 
nor will you let your Holy One [d] see decay. 

11 You have made [e] known to me the path of life; 
you will fill me with joy in your presence, 
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

2 comments

  1. So powerful and moving, Carrie, it brought tears to my eyes . . .
    Blessings to you and your precious family!

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  2. Hard day, but such depth and godliness as you share your loss to a hurting word. Proud to be your Mama.

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